No, I wasn't always like this.
I used to be focused. I had everything I needed.
But, that one day, it changed my life.
Now, leaving your home and shifting to a whole new town is a scary thing to do.
I was really in the famous bunch at my school.
Me and my mates would be the stars! Everyone wanted to talk to us, to be us.
I really thought that was how life was going to be for me.
But then I shifted for my eduction, to a university thousands of miles away.
I wouldn’t reveal much of where I studied or you’re probably going to find my name on the internet.
No it isn’t something to be proud about because it isn’t for any good reason.
As I tell you all my story I am also going to not reveal my name just yet because that’s much of what caused me a problem.
I wasn’t always pessimistic about shifting to a new city, I had a lot of hope, I was really positive and sociable. I also thought that I would easily make friends and have a wonderful year.
But it didn’t quite work out for me the way I had planned.
My first day at university was really shit.
We had inductions over making connections and friends but I realised pretty soon that everyone was divided in groups already.
That didn't stop me though, I had the confidence of a lion.
I tried talking to them and starting up conversations but it was as if no one was interested.
That really pushed me down.
I became extra quiet and the day really just went by itself.
There came a point where I just gave up.
Now I know many of you don’t really mind suddenly rising to fame on your very first day, and I get that.
But me on the other hand? I never had to deal with a situation like this.
Back in my hometown everyone knew me and wanted to be me. I had women calling me left and right to parties, I had my Instagram filled up with hook up requests and flirts.
Everyday one or the other friend of mine wanted to hang out with me.
It was as if, nothing in the town started if I wasn’t there.
Me and my mates defined what cool was there, we were the trend setters.
I was never really alone and even my family always gave me preference over any other sibling of mine.
Now from being the centre of attention to suddenly being the quiet person who no one wants to talk to can really take a toll.
That day when I went back home, I changed my entire wardrobe. I got a hair cut and the most expensive perfume. I just wanted to impress my fellow class mates !
I did go broke for a while but that’s alright.
The next day I made sure I looked my best, so again I put a fake smile on my face and pretended to be sociable.
It did not work.
I didn’t know why it had to be this way!
Was there something wrong with me?
Was I giving out the wrong idea?
I could really not comprehend why it was happening to me!
How could I be a no one ? HOW!
I hated it.
I let a few weeks slide like that and try not giving it much attention but it started to really affect me.
I really wanted to be in the public limelight so I started buying designer clothes.
I made sure that I seemed to be rich so I could attract the right kind of company and attention.
I really didn’t care talking to those scholarship students because they just seemed weird and ridiculous. I wanted be the top tier of my class.
I would spend my days following diets and gymming, I would also take care of my face by buying a lot of face masks from Superdrug.
Sadly, nothing was working.
Now, try not making fun of me and think it’s petty of me to be so needy of fame.
It was all that mattered to me!
I was slowly diving into depression, yet I had to portray my best life on social media.
I couldn't let my town know that I was going through all this!
Sometimes I’d just go to a club and take a video of groups partying and pretend that that was my life. I just had to do that!
I was no one in this city and I was desperate for fame!
It was when nothing I did worked out that I stopped giving a shit. This city really sucked out the best in me.
After a while I just didn’t care, I was failing constantly, I didn’t even know when my exams were. I was just too focused on finding why this was happening to me.
It was only when after a couple of months my university called me.
I had been missing classes and they needed to know why. I couldn't just tell them what was going on! So I kept my mouth shut.
They left me with a warning saying that if I underperformed in this semester I would have no choice but to repeat my year!
I couldn’t afford that! Who would talk to a senior repeating a year?
I literally left everything that very moment!
I stopped shopping or doing my skincare! I even stopped taking a shower! All I did was study and eat. My exams were the next month and honestly this is the routine I followed.
I made sure that I was more than prepared for those, I couldn’t fail!
That particular month I really changed myself. I stopped looking at the mirror because I didn’t want to care about these materialistic things anymore!
The very night before my first exam I made sure to pull an all nighter. I was drinking coke as it had caffeine which would keep me awake through my vigorous study.
I didn’t even realise when the sun came out.
I was fully prepared.
I wore my T-shirt and shorts and made my way to the university. It was only after I was in the bus that I realised that I was wearing flip flops, but I didn’t care!
Today was all about my exam and good grades.
As I entered my university, I started to realise that everyone was staring at me.
I ignored it at first but then began realising that it was actually happening!
Was I finally famous? Was this what it had to take to put me in the limelight?
“Maybe people here, only like the ones who study!” I thought to myself as I started browsing my conclusions.
Right then, a fellow scholarship student came and asked me “are you okay bro?”.
Of course I’m okay! I’m more than okay!, I said to myself.
I knew he wasn’t my standard so I just ignored him.
I walked further and found the people I was looking for! The famous tier.
“Hey you guys what’s going on!” I said.
“Eww what the hell is wrong with you!” One of the people in the group said.
“Have you ever seen yourself in the mirror?” Said another.
“Jeez I can’t even tolerate the smell!”said another.
I was frozen.
They walked right past me and there stood a mirror.
I couldn’t recognise what I saw.
It was me! With my horrible stomach sticking out and my dark circles. There was body hair everywhere and food stuck to my beard. My hair were like those of Einstein and my clothes screamed of dirt.
How could this be?
I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I felt a shiver run throughout my body.
I had to run from here I just cannot!
I was angry at myself and I wanted to die.
I am horrible.
On my way out the same scholarship kid came running.
“Everyone’s really worried about you” he said.
“Are you okay? Do you go here? And what’s your name!” He asked as if he was worried.
But sadly I wasn’t okay.
And the fact that a stupid poor scholarship kid didn’t even know MY NAME? That angered me even more.
I went to this university for a whole year! And this peasant is pretending as if I don’t even go here? Like he has seen me for the first time!
Anger burnt all over my body!
“Have you never fucking seen me?” I asked him in anger.
“Uh-uh I’m really sorry bro I don’t wanna offend you!” he replied,
He didn’t stop there,
“ your name? It is kai-yan isn’t it?” He said sounding confused.
That was it for me, I don’t even remember clearly what happened after that, it all seemed like a blur. All I remember is I got really angry. I was as angry as a man could get.
This stupid peasant didn’t even spell my name right?
People worship my name in my hometown!
How dare he!
“It’s kian!” I shouted! As I grabbed his neck and started punching him.
I don’t really know how many times I would’ve punched him? But it was enough to squash his face! I punched him till the time his eyes were a smoothie and his jaw and teeth were scattered everywhere.
I punched him even after that.
I punched him until there was nothing really that’s as left of his head.
It felt good honestly.
All that depression and anger were finally getting out somewhere.
I remember seeing his brain squashed into a million parts.
Now you all must wonder what happened after that?
Of course! The police caught me and put me behind the bars.
My case went on for a while, but there was really no good that came out of it.
The judge probably thought I was a freak.
And now I’m here, sitting in a room with you all and I’m guessing I’ll probably be here for a while.
That’s my story.
“So it’s ki-un and not key-on” said one of the cell mates.
JordanHoliday/pixabay
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